Ravek was here this evening when I went to see if he was. It was surprising to me how much this made me feel, at all. And not someone else's but my own feelings. I felt Bad when the others sitting at the table with him left almost as soon as I sat down. But Ravek said this happens a lot, and to him, too. So it was not so Bad anymore, just bad. We talked some again, but mostly I just drank in the Quiet, and leaned against him. At some point I remembered that I had a gift for Ravek and sat up.

I told him that he had his old Argent seal from the times when he was Alive, to remind him of the things That Were and the things that he Died For (this was repeated from what he told me the last time we spoke--no, the time before that, I remember, it was before I met his sister). Then I gave him my Argent seal. It is not a heart, which I wanted to give him instead like I thought about before, but I realized I cannot just get a heart that beats, because then someone will have no heart that beats, and then I will be making someone as sad as Ravek is sad. I will have to ask Master Hieros what to do. For now, my seal can work, I hope.

I told him also that my seal can be for the things That Are and the things that people Live For to go with his seal. I wanted to say instead that he could have something to Live For, like me, but that sounded arrogant even in my head. I am just a small paladin, and I not think it would have sounded appropriate, anyway.

It is enough that he liked the gift, though, I think. I wonder if this counts as a Winter Veil gift? Do I give him more when the holiday actually arrives? Other races' customs are so strange. I will have to read more about it.

Ravek hugged me. I did not expect that. I liked it, and I wish I knew how to ask him for another, but this seems inappropriate, too. I will wait for another hug; I am good at waiting.

He is really strong. I wonder if he was a really strong Argent when he was not dead.

I have been Busy lately. There is less times of waiting, which normally pleases me because then I have duties and orders and cargo to attend to and the Tourney grounds to look after with the various challengers and their tack and mounts. I am a good Squire even when people shy from me or I shy from them. The animals know me, and animals are often more well-behaved for me, which helps.


I was given an Argent’s charger today. There was little ceremony like with many of the bigger and stronger Crusaders, but I do not mind. He is little, like me, which is nice. I do not mind the other mounts and animals that I have tended to both at the Argent stables and at the Harbinger stables, but it I like this charger. They were going to ‘turn him to glue’ as one of the Silver Covenant elves said. He snickered as he eyed the pair of us.

I looked up what this meant at the Cathedral library later.

Being turned to glue sounds unpleasant.

I should like to keep my hooves, and I should like for my pony to, as well. I wonder what the Captain will think of him? I named him Pí Xiū after one of the legends that Tsun told me once about a mythical beast his people believe exists solely to exorcise all evil spirits. Pí Xiū does not look much like his namesake, but names can be Good Things, and a paladin’s mount must be fierce and valiant against the Enemy. I hope it inspires my pony to be a protector like me.

I wonder what Master Merosiel, or Master Ryutan would think if they could see him, and me. I am a real Crusader, even if I am still just a Squire right now. I wonder if the Captain is proud of me.

The human that confused me most recently helped me save a murloc today. I am not sure why I helped, other than to be helping. I do not really care for murlocs, as they are noisy and often Dangerous Things to smash with a shield. Like spiders, only with less legs and more teeth to bite.

Teeth makes me think of Master Merosiel.

I do not want to think about that. I do not want to write about how much I miss him, how much I liked it when he was around. He was not very Quiet, and his emotions often feel like barbed wire crushing my throat, but he has Good Hands and a nice smile even when he shows teeth.

I have not seen Lady Windila since we argued. I think it was an Argument, and not an argument, because she has not come to see me since. It is her fault that Master Merosiel left us, but even so I would like someone to talk to. I do not know anything about children, and I have not seen Master Ryutan lately, either, to talk with him about his daughter.

I wonder if I would be a Good Father or a Bad Father. Lady Windila has yelled at me before for refusing to hold her offspring but I did not want to hurt her. I do not know anything of children; the only one I have talked to or touched before was Re Shi when Master Rahmiel was around, and the boy does not really count, as he is really a proto drake whelp. He is Basic, and does not hurt when he feels. People to (most) Animals are like comparing rocks to rainwater. People are not Gentle, even when they are having Good feelings.

The dead human and the human woman threw murloc eyes at the murloc before I picked him up and we left the city. They threatened to kill and dismember and cook and many other things to the murloc. If it is intelligent enough to protest treatment, should it not be given rights, too, like me? Should I be cooked or dismembered or eaten or killed? I wonder if I am like a murloc, if so. Where is the line drawn between what is People and what is Animal when some animals are more Good than people?

Master Verind (I should not call him Master when he grew upset about it, but this is my place to write, and that is Okay here, is it not?) was a good distraction to keep the dead human and the human woman from following me.

We met up outside the gates, but Master Verind was injured and feared for his safety until he could recover. We went to a small place in the Elwynne forest that I knew about from my times with Baelyn. The little shack was like I remembered it, but it did not smell like Baelyn. It smelled of dust and Old and Lonely.

I let the murloc play with one of the mechanical toys that Master Hieros made for me when I told him I wanted a toy for children. The murloc destroyed it though, by throwing it in the fire I made. I will have to ask Master Hieros for forgiveness and a new toy. In case Master Merosiel returns.

I was able to see what a human looks like without armor; they look like me. This is interesting, I think. No hooves or tail, but that is obvious even with armor on. I would have liked to look more but he grew upset at me and stormed out to rinse his hair in the stream nearby (the human woman, she poured alcohol on him, but I do not know why).

Eventually the murloc ran away. Maybe he had duties, too, and was no longer on leave like me.

Verind left, too, and then the little shack was even more of dust and Old and Lonely.

I sat here to write a little, but it is almost time for me to go back to the crew and to prepare for tomorrow's cargo haul.

Humans are like draenei, and elves are like draenei. Elves are like humans? Murlocs are neither human nor draenei nor elves. They are just murlocs. But they can be like them.

Where is the line? I wonder if I can find something to read on this; knowing the Captain, someday this question will come up and I must have an answer ready. I must always have answers ready or risk being Useful no longer.

I must be Useful.

I had the nicest time this evening. This elf sat and talked with me for hours. It is a good thing I was off duty; I would have been disappointed to cut it short to return to the crew early.

We talked of the Ebon Blade, His Kind, and the Argents (they are the Crusade now, and it feels strange that they keep changing their name, I hope they do not ask me to change mine some day, I went through so much to get my name back) who are My Kind.

He was so very kind, and his voice reminded me of Baelyn. Low and dark and reminding me of earth and dirt and he smelled a little like frost on corpses which I suppose is exactly what it is but I do not mind it. I have smelled worse things, and I can shut that part of me off if I try.

This man, Ravek, he is not Baelyn. I know this. Baelyn was tempermental, jealous, full of rage and passion and strength and rough with me often in voice and deed and manner. This man is not Baelyn. But I like him all the same because he fills me with quiet and he is strong, also.

I wanted to thank him for that quiet, but the only way I know how to thank people is by helping them, and he seemed afraid of me at first, like everyone else who is not simply disgusted by me.

He let me touch him, though, and did not recoil from it. He was cold, colder than I am, and he says he is dead. Certainly I can tell he is dead; my flesh feels like fire ants around dead things and people, especially the walking and talking kind. But I can quiet the ant-crawling if I try hard enough, just like I did with Master Ryutan. I can do a lot of things when I try, but a lot of the time there is no need so I just sit in the dark and wait.

There are more times now of waiting than doing and it is a Sad Thing.

That is only the third time where I was happy I have this curse gift talent. I can call it a talent when I am happy, I think.

Touching Ravek and eating away his sad feelings to thank him for the quiet made me tired, and he let me sleep against him. He seemed worried that the cold would hurt me, but I am used to cold. I am not as cold as he inside or out, but cold enough that people usually stay away; a heartbeat while he held me would have been nice, Baelyn's heart was good, but we cannot have everything, and Ravek's arms around me while I slept was a Good Thing and good enough.

Maybe I can find Ravek a heart that beats, and then I can listen to that while I sleep. Dead people can get new parts, can they not? Like machines that Fissil makes, or Master Hieros. Master Hieros gave himself a new heart, although it is a clockwork. I think he called it that, anyway. Yes. Maybe I will find Ravek a heart, or ask Master Hieros for one. Winter Veil is coming soon; I hear the dock workers talk about it and something called Shore Leave. Winter Veil is when the Azerothian Kind give gifts. 

I hope I see Ravek again.

He makes me miss the Good Things less.

Humans are peculiar. I keep misunderstanding the things they say.
Humans also like to fight, whether they are already dead or still living.
Humans can be kind when it suits them. Some of them can be kind regardless.
Humans can be paladins.

I am a paladin.
Paladins are brothers and sisters of the Light.

Are humans my brothers and sisters?
Am I their brother?

I would not mind a family.